WHO IS YOUR ARCHITECT?

Most of us had an idyllic picture of marriage in our heads as we were growing up—a  handsome, understanding, gentle husband; beautiful well-mannered children; a lovely home with a white picket fence. In your mind’s eye, picture your dream house. Visualize the layout of the house, the elevation. Is it brick or frame or logs or cedar siding? What color is the carpet? What kind of paneling did you choose? Picture that frilly little girl’s room and the luxurious marble sunken tub in the master bathroom. 

Take a moment before we proceed. Go ahead – let’s close our eyes and dream. Write a description below.

My husband and I were able to build our dream house at one point in our lives. It was a lovely two-story, Cape Cod style home, on a lush, half-acre wooded lot. I chose old Chicago brick for the exterior, a large colonial fireplace, lots of windows and wood floors. Your dream home may be southwestern adobe style, or Tudor, or perhaps an old country farmhouse you would like to completely refurbish.                         

Now that we have this beautiful dream house in mind, let’s think about something. Did you picture the architect in your mind’s eye? Surprisingly, very few of us do. But none of us would argue that the architect is the most valuable starting point of the team in building a house.  If the blueprints are not accurate, the house will be a mess. A house can be built without a good architect, but it will be a hodge-podge of disjointed rooms with an awkward flow and a loss of efficiency and warmth. 

Recently I noticed an old cabin out in a pasture. It appeared to be an old homestead, long abandoned. The house was leaning so much to one side, that the old roof was almost touching the ground. I wondered how much time would pass before it completely tumbled. The architect of that house must not have used his plumb line correctly. He must not have taken accurate measurements. He may have been hasty in erecting the structure, or did not use good solid materials. Something was faulty in the plans, because now, years later, the house was crumbling.

Let’s look at Jeremiah 29:11. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  Read this verse now in light of a blueprint for your life.  Does that put a new perspective on the verse for you? In what way?

The Lord God Almighty is the Architect of our lives, and he has plans for good in mind for us. The plumb line is accurate. He is precise in his measurements. He is not hasty in erecting the structure of our lives, and he uses good, solid materials. Many of us have difficulty believing that God desires good for us. We look at him as some “cosmic killjoy” sitting in heaven looking for a chance to destroy all our dreams and ambitions. But God desires abundant lives for us.

Read Romans 8:28 from several different translations. Read John 10:10 in the various translations. What do these verses tell you God desires for you?

You may have heard Romans 8:28 glibly thrown at you while you were going through a rough time. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Perhaps we even nodded sagely and agreed. But, how many of us believe the truth of Romans 8:28 deep in our spirits and are willing to stake our lives on the goodness of God? 

As I have thought about this verse, I believe my favorite part is not the …in all things God works for good… phrase, but the … And we know …  part. When the pieces of our lives lie at our feet, and we see no way they can be put back together, that verse must come to life for us: And we know” – not “Well, I think maybe ….” or “I sure hope so ... ” 

·         Let’s dissect this verse. 

1. In what things do we know God works good? 

2.      What does God do on our behalf?  

3.       Is it for our benefit or for our catastrophe? 

4.       For whom does He work? 

5.       For what purpose are we called? 

·         As we can see, it doesn’t say some things. It says all things. 

·         It doesn’t say all things are good, it says all things work together for good. 

·         And it doesn’t say that all things work together for good for everybody. It says that all things work together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. 

·         Read the next verse—Romans 8:29. To what end is God working in our lives?

·         Building Tool - If you don’t already know these verses by memory, write them out  and memorize.

All things work together for good for those who are walking in faith believing the Great Architect to work things out in their behalf according to his purpose, his sovereign blueprint, his plan. When we begin to doubt in the darkness of bad times what we learned in the light of good times, we can trust the goodness of God. We can continue to walk. He is faithful. We can trust him. He is the Great Architect of our lives.

LEAVE & CLEAVE

 In the Matthew 19 passage, Jesus addresses divorce and the issue of leaving and cleaving. The two are closely related. To leave means to break away from a dependent relationship in order to form a new relationship. When a husband and wife come together to become one flesh, the old relationship of being under the authority of the parents is left behind. The Hebrew word for leave actually means to abandon, to leave behind, to forsake. The parents move from being in authority over the child to a position of counsel.

A friend of mine and I were discussing the issue of leaving and cleaving. She made the statement that although she was raised in the church and had walked with the Lord a long time, she was not sure she really understood what the terminology “leaving and cleaving” meant.

As we visited, we moved on to another topic involving the family business which she had taken over from her parents several years ago. During the past year my friend had to make some hard decisions in regard to the business with which her parents disagreed. They were very upset.  My friend was grieved over the issue. 

“That’s what I am talking about,” I said to her. “You are no longer under their authority.  You are to honor them and listen to their counsel, but when you and your husband married, you left them to cleave to your husband. They no longer have authority over your decisions.”

“Cleave” means to “stick like glue” to another. It can only be accomplished after leaving.  I heard someone say that most marriage problems are either a matter of leaving improperly or cleaving improperly. When I first heard the remark, I was not sure that generalization could be made across the board. However, in our experience, my husband and I find that it certainly is a major issue. I asked a friend who is a marriage and family therapist if he agreed with the allegation. He thought for a moment and then answered in the affirmative. He agreed that many marital problems sprout from this root topic of leaving and cleaving improperly.

1. Name some specific problems in your marriage you have had pertaining to the issue of “leaving and cleaving.”

2.Have you ever been guilty of emotionally “cleaving” to someone other than your spouse?  Explain. 

3.Would you say this could be an instance of “tearing down your house with your own hands?” 

Many times we have sat in our office with couples in whose marriages the emotions have vanished or have been stolen away by another person. We literally beg them to take God at His

Word. We plead with them to “cleave,” to stick like glue to their mates, and trust Jesus to restore the emotions and redeem the marriage. 

The question then becomes, which has the stronger pull in one’s life? Is the Word of God more true and strong, or are one’s emotions more true and strong? Which choice is going to be made? Which way are the scales tilted—toward God’s Word or toward the emotions? When a husband or wife is torn and hurting emotionally, it is difficult to press through. But our God is faithful and will honor our commitment to stand by what Scripture teaches.

1.Which has the stronger pull in your life – your emotions or the Word of God? 

2.If you are divorced, do you feel that it was an irreconcilable situation or do you wish you had been more willing to stay in covenant and “stick like glue”? Explain. 

As a wise woman enters into a marriage relationship, she must count the cost. Is she willing to enter into covenant marriage and remain in covenant no matter what difficulties or storms may come? Is she willing to leave and cleave—ready to leave her parents in order to become one with her husband? Willing to stick like glue? As a wise woman is building her home, she must count the cost. If not, she may find herself tearing her house down with her own hands.

Some of the questions in this chapter have been difficult, but Romans 8:1 says, “Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” We serve a loving God.

·         Building Tool – Review the Psalm 145:8,9,14 passage you memorized in the first lesson.  Write a prayer and thank God for his mercy and compassion and determine to press on.

WHY COVENANT?

In preparing for this study I did much reading on the subject of covenant. Initially I asked the Lord, “Why covenant? Where is the romance? Covenant seems a bit harsh, binding and cold.” But as I continued to study, I realized it is the opposite. God created us for covenant relationships. His relationship with us is a covenant relationship. Read the following Scriptures and paraphrase in your own words:

·         Isaiah 43:2 

·         Hebrews 13:5

·         Ephesians 5:25

·         Revelation 3:20.   

God created us for covenant relationships. Covenant is the avenue by which he has related to his people through the ages—Adam, Noah, Abraham, Moses, and the New Covenant, which Jesus cut for us with his blood. Covenant provides the safe environment we need in order to grow and reach our full potential—free from all fear of rejection and betrayal. God designed us for permanent relationships. That’s why we are shattered over broken relationships, whether by death or divorce, or simply a misunderstanding between two parties in a relationship

In his teachings on covenant marriage, Jimmy Evans, senior pastor at Trinity Fellowship in Amarillo, TX, says that people engage in basically four types of relationships: 

1.      Carnal – A business type relationship. You have something I want, and I enter into a relationship with you to get what I want. In business that’s acceptable, but not in personal relationships. We see this all the time in our society. Young girls have entered into a relationship with a boy, who simply wants sex, and she has a baby, but no permanent relationship with the baby’s father. There is no security in this type of relationship.

2.      Consumer – This relationship says, “I’ll give to the degree that I benefit.” Very similar to the carnal relationship, except there is a cost/benefit ratio here. It is performance based, such as employer/employee. As long as the employee performs, he is paid what he is worth. It is viable in the work place, but not in a marriage relationship. What happens if one partner becomes ill and can’t “perform?” Or when a “better deal” comes along?

3.      Conditional – As long as the conditions are good in the marriage, then the partner will stick around. But, if times get hard financially, or again, if illness strikes, what then? “For better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness or in health…” mean very little to most people.Pastor Evans claims that 90 per cent of the relationships in America are either carnal,

consumer or conditional. A constant fear of rejection and betrayal surrounds the marriage relationship and neither partner can give his/her best.

4. Covenant – In this relationship, each partner agrees to die to everything that would break covenant. It means “until death do us part.” All fear of rejection is gone, and each partner can completely open up their hearts and be intimate.

In the Jewish culture, even the betrothal or engagement period is secured in covenant. If we try to build a marriage-type relationship outside of covenant, we are very insecure. We build walls of defense around ourselves.  Intimacy is difficult, if not impossible. 

Satan hates covenant. He will fight to destroy covenant relationships more than almost anything else. He wants to see Christian marriages topple. He hates intimate community among believers. He loves to stir up discord among the brethren. That is because he knows the power of the testimony of covenant relationships to the glory of God.

·         Building Tool  - Have you and your spouse committed to a covenant relationship?  Review with your spouse your marriage vows and determine if, whether in actual statements or not, your relationship is a covenant relationship.

·         In light of the nature of covenant, do you feel pre-nuptial agreements have a place in a Christian marriage?                                                                          

Why or why not? 

     

MARATHON MARRIAGE (Covenant)

As previously noted, my husband and I just celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary. The journey has definitely been a marathon, rather than a sprint. It seems that when couples come to us for counseling, we inevitably end up talking about commitment. It all boils down to a relationship in which we have agreed to commit our whole being. All the other side issues, although some may be deeply painful and serious, really are just that—side issues. Whether it is love lost, or a wife who doesn't like the lifestyle her husband provides, or a husband who doesn’t understand his wife, or even, in some cases, unfaithfulness, it still boils down to commitment. Is the couple going to honor the commitment, made before God, to stay together until death parts them, despite how arduous it may be to work through the difficulties?

 

 In Malachi 2:14, we find God’s view on marriage. In the context of this passage, God is reproving his people for profaning their marriage vows. What does he call marriage?  Look up Proverbs 2:17. What does God call marriage in this verse? 

Ezekiel 16:8 says, “…when I saw you and saw that you were old enough for love, I spread the corner of my garment over you” … “spreading the corner of my garment” was a symbolic term for the marriage relationship. Then the Lord says, “I gave you my solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you …”  From these verses, how do you perceive God views the marriage vows? 

Marriage, in God’s eyes, is a covenant alliance, but in western culture, we have little understanding of what that means. Coming to the marriage altar is not making a vow, even though we talk of “taking the marriage vows.” Marriage is a covenant, and there is a difference.

A vow may involve only one party. For instance, I can vow to lose ten pounds in time for my high school reunion. I can break that vow to myself. Or a vow may involve two or more and can be broken. But a covenant always involves two or more and is permanently binding. An oath is taken and the covenant is made, never to be broken. Our culture is a contract culture—contracts being broken on every hand, with little thought to the integrity of one’s name on the dotted line.

Hebrew word for covenant is berit. It literally meant “a cutting” and came to mean a contract, a will, a league, a testament, or a bond. In ancient cultures, a cutting of the skin actually took place and blood was exchanged to signify the seriousness of the bond (Gen. 15). Sometimes gifts were exchanged (Gen. 21:30) and/or a pile of stones set up (Gen. 31:53). When a couple stands before a minister and promises to live together in covenant until death parts them, that is a solemn occasion. Covenant is not to be taken lightly.

Lawmakers in some of the United States have noted with alarm the high divorce statistics and have passed legislation invoking covenant marriage laws. Katherine Spaht, LSU Law Center, was instrumental in passing covenant marriage legislation in Louisiana in 1997. Ms. Spaht, speaking at the Christian Marriage, Family and Couples Education (CMFCE) Annual Conference in 1998, had this to say:

What the covenant law marriage… represents is an opportunity for virtue, an opportunity to choose a more binding commitment…What covenant marriage does is to ensconce in the law the ideal that marriage is to be a lifelong institution. It doesn’t impose, but it permits couples to chose this ideal…Secondly, it was envisioned as a way of revitalizing and reinvigorating what we call mediating structures, human communities, those that nourish and act as coffers between the State and the individual. Principal among those, which covenant marriage encourages and reinvigorates, is the church. It invites religion back into the public square to perform a function it is uniquely situated to do, to preserve marriages.

“Covenant marriage strengthens marriage in three different ways. First, there is mandatory premarital counseling. The second…there is a legally binding agreement that if difficulties arise during the marriage, they will take all reasonable steps to preserve the marriage, including marital counseling… It is a form of, in a sense, mandatory pre-divorce counseling.  Lastly,… there are limited grounds for divorce, so it is more difficult to terminate a covenant marriage and more time consuming.

In the passing of covenant marriage laws in some of our states, perhaps even secular society is beginning to recognize that something must be done to help stem the tide of divorces and assist couples in counting the cost.

·         Do you think a “wise woman” would be interested in committing to a covenant marriage, rather than a conventional one, if she and her husband lived in a state that provided the opportunity to do so? Why, or why not?