31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #26 - HARSHNESS

I've never seen this subject addressed as such in marriage books or at marriage conferences. It is a subject covered under anger most of the time, I suppose. But this is something that slips in under the cover of familiarity in the marriage and probably does far more damage than we can imagine.

I'm talking about harshness in attitude, in words, in discipline, in everyday situations. Sometimes we get so accustomed to being around each other we forget to treat our spouse with the same courtesy we afford to strangers on the street.

Early in our marriage my husband had a pretty short temper fuse, whether it was yelling at his favorite football team or at a driver who didn't execute as quickly as he thought they should. Or whether it was when the pancakes I served for breakfast were cold. He's generally a very happy, laid-back type of guy, but then this volcano would erupt out of nowhere. When I'd ask why he was mad, he would respond with "I'm not mad!" But he was exhibiting a harshness toward which said to everyone around that he was angry. I'm happy to say he has allowed the Lord to smooth down those rough edges, and that temper is not there any longer.

I suppose perhaps harshness many times is the symptom of underlying anger. However, what I am talking about here is when we get in the habit of addressing our mates and family with a curt word or a critical attitude rather than with kindness and courtesy. That kind of daily treatment causes our mate to either withdraw or to become defensive. Neither behavior is conducive to a healthy marriage.

Scripture is clear as to how we are to treat one another. I love how Eph. 4:31-32 reads in the Amplified: Let all bitterness and indignation and wrath (passion, rage, bad temper) and resentment (anger, animosity) and quarreling (brawling, clamor, contention) and slander (evil-speaking, abusive or blasphemous language) be banished from you, with all malice (spite, ill will, or baseness of any kind). And become useful and helpful and kind to one another, tenderhearted (compassionate, understanding, loving-hearted), forgiving one another (readily and freely) as God in Christ forgave you.

Maybe our New Year's resolution could be to take Eph. 4:31-32 to heart, especially toward our mate?

31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #25 - FAILURE TO EXPRESS APPRECIATION

Thank you. You're welcome. I appreciate you. Words we teach our children, but sometimes we forget to verbalize them to one another.

It's Christmas this weekend. I don't know of a season that women work any harder for the family than during this holy time of year. In addition to our regular duties of being wives and mothers, we are hostesses, chefs/cooks/bakers (being careful to prepare everyone's particular holiday favorite), interior decorators, shoppers and wrappers of gifts, event planners and for some of us, members or directors of choirs and Christmas programs. It's easy to get burned out and approach this sacred celebration running on empty. A few simple words of appreciation can give us the impetus to continue.

My mother-in-law taught me early in our marriage that men thrive on praise. An occasional word of appreciation - "Thank you, Honey, for servicing the car," or "I appreciate how hard you work for our family," will give your husband fuel to run on for a long time.

I write fiction. I make up stories. I particularly love writing historical fiction -- stories based on historical fact. Imagine how appreciative Mary must have been of Joseph's understanding and protection that holy night. What about Joseph's respect and admiration of Mary's role in the drama of bearing the Savior of the world, the Son of God? Did they verbally express appreciation to each other? I like to think they did. Of course, we don't know for sure, but let's do make sure that we are lavish with our appreciation to our mates. And while we are expressing appreciation ... first of all, let's praise our heavenly Father for his unspeakable gift, our Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ.

Merry Christmas!

31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #24 - FAILURE TO PRIORITIZE TIME TOGETHER

We all know that we need to spend time together as husband and wife. We realize that we will grow apart if we do not communicate with each other--and communicate well.

One of the saddest situations that we have encountered as we've grown older is observing friends' and acquaintances' marriages that have entered into the final years in a state in bitterness, or indifference, or separateness. One couple we know live basically in different towns. One couple never eat their meals together. Another spends copious amounts of time in separate hobbies and recreation. They have decided to remain married, but there is not the vibrancy, mutual respect and deep mature love that should be true of a long-term marriage.

One of the reasons for this, in my opinion, is the lack of putting time with one's mate in the early years at the head of one's list of priorities. If we do not intentionally carve out time to spend with our mates, the demands and busyness of life will crowd it out week by week until we are looking at months and then years of neglect of the relationship.

Turn off the television and set aside time to talk at the end of the day. Plan a date night at least a couple of times a month - just the two of you - no children. We recommend that couples go to one marriage conference a year, just to fine-tune their marriage.

Little foxes spoil the vine, and not being intentional in spending time together can be a huge vine spoiler. Sit down with your spouse this week and decide to spend more time together.

31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #23 - SEEKING REVENGE

Sometimes in a marriage one spouse will become wounded, and will try to get back at the offender. Needless to say this is not the way a believer is to react to hurt or pain. We are to give a blessing instead of an insult. We are to bless and not curse. I think we all understand that.

I was watching Dr. Phil (yes, I watch Dr Phil :) the other day where he was interviewing a couple who had been devastated by one affair after another. It all started when the husband had an affair, then the wife retaliated by having her own affair; then the husband had another and on and on it went until the marriage was wrecked on the rocks of revenge.

However, what I want to address at this point is a terrible situation that at times may evolve from a felt need for revenge ... and that is abuse. Childish one-up-manship can escalate into an issue that is much more serious.

We received a call one evening from a man telling us that we needed to get to their house right away, because he had already hit his wife and didn't know what he was going to do next. We raced to their residence to find two wide-eyed children, a wife sitting at the kitchen table with her broken glasses in front of her, and a ranting husband pacing back and forth. The wife had done something to hurt him, and he felt justified in striking her. We found out this was not a one-time occurrence but a regular affair. 

Let me very clear about this: God does not intend for a wife -- or husband -- to remain in an abusive situation. He does not give grace for that. He gives wisdom for you to make the decision to seek safety for you and your children. This is the one situation where my husband and I advise separation until the offending party can undergo counseling to deal with the underlying cause of the abuse.

Unfortunately as far as we know, the wife in the previous scenario never got out of the danger her husband placed her and her children under. She chose to try to keep him appeased. The tragedy is that they may have stayed married, but unless he received some help, the harm done to the children and his wife had to be severe and greatly hinder their emotional health.

Don't let a silly desire to get even escalate into something much more harmful, even dangerous. Give a blessing, not a curse.

31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #22 - REPRESSING FEELINGS

Many of us cope with pain by hiding how we really feel. There are many reasons for stuffing our feelings - fear of rejection or ridicule, not wanting to be vulnerable to another, fear of misunderstanding, a desire to avoid confrontation, etc. We tend to bury what hurts us, and the emotions go underground, but like a leak in a water pipe in the ground, they can do much damage. We can even become passive-aggressive toward our spouse.

A passive-agressive person seeks to control others by various means: speaking cryptically in order to create a feeling of insecurity in others; feigning helplessness to control another; chronically being late and forgetting things in order to exert control or to punish; avoidance of intimacy as a means to act out anger; sulking.

Many people spend years repressing their true feelings, then cannot discern why they are so angry or feel such hurt. They have no idea how to resolve the conflict, but it must be dealt with in order that the marriage be healthy. Instead of being a healer in the marriage, the person who has stuffed his or her feelings becomes a wounder.

Even though it seems easier to repress one's feelings, it is not the healthy, nor the right way to deal with pain. If you need help in dealing with repressed feelings, you may need a professional counselor. Consult your pastor to help you work through these issues or to refer you to a Christian counselor. It may be painful and it may be messy to work through the emotions, but your marriage will benefit greatly from it.