31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #15 - FAILURE TO RECOGNIZE FOUR ESSENTIAL ELEMENTS OF MARRIAGE

Years ago I heard Gary Smalley teach that all four of these elements must be present in a marriage. Not one can be left out. If a woman, particularly, doesn't get these four elements in the first years of her marriage, she begins to feel malnourished, emotionally and spiritually.

1. SECURITY - Security is the main need of a woman, and I'm not simply alluding to financial security. A woman needs to feel that her mate is "taking care of business." Things that need to be done are getting taken care of. Simple things like car maintenance, lawn care, plans for the future (i.e. retirement), etc. It's not that the wife can't assist with the responsibility, but she needs to feel that her husband is protecting her from the stress of worrying about issues. It has been my observation that when a woman feels insecure, that's when she becomes controlling and unsubmissive. She's fearful that if she doesn't take control and take care of issues that are bothering her, they won't get done. Husbands, take care of business so that your wife has a sense of security.
2. MEANINGFUL COMMUNICATION - You'll notice that I said "meaningful" communication. A man's main need as far as communication is concerned is praise and respect. He needs to have that verbalized by the woman he loves. If a man feels he has what it takes, and the wife communicates that praise to him, he flourishes. The average need for communication in a marriage is an hour a day. I don't feel my husband and I need that much, but we do make a point to communicate with each other each day -- in a meaningful way. True intimacy is fact finding and that is done through meaningful communication.
3. ROMANTIC, EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCES - There must be some effort to plan for romantic, emotional experiences or guess what? The romance will fade. A man needs the sexual outlet, but a woman needs romance. Now I'm a romance writer :) So I'm continually exploring this. A little effort goes a long way with a woman: a card, helping with the housework, a foot/back rub, a special dinner at a nice restaurant, a flower on her pillow. Don't wait for special occasions (don't forget them though!). Do something "just because" some of the time.
4. PHYSICAL TOUCH - Eighty percent of a woman's touch needs are non-sexual. Gary Smalley says that it takes eight to twelve meaningful non-sexual touches a days to maintain touch needs - a hug, a kiss on the cheek, a touch on the arm. 'Nuf said!

Again, all four of these elements must be present in a marriage. How're you doing?

31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #14 - SUBMISSION: FRUSTRATION OR FREEDOM?

One would initially think this is written for the wives, but hold on. Let's take a look at this submission issue.We are all to be submissive to God and to one another. Most teachers begin a teaching on submission with Ephesians 5:22: Wives, be subject (be submissive and adapt yourselves) to your own husbands as (a service) to the Lord. But the verse right above that says: Be subject to one another out of reverence to Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One).

After years of studying this passage, almost 50 years of marriage, and much bad teaching on the issue, here's what I believe: It's not about us. Both love and submission are about presenting a picture of Jesus to a lost world by how we submit to one another. We must all live under submission and under God's control.

Three key words in the Ephesian passage:

1. "Head" -- kephale' -- Being in the lead, the first one into battle.
2. "Be subject to" -- hupotassomai -- Voluntarily, willingly to place oneself at the disposition of.
3. "Love" -- agapao -- Not so much an emotion as an attitude or action.

The husband bears the responsibility of leading the family, being the point guard, shouldering the burden of the battle -- the commanding officer, so to speak. And both hupotassomai and agapao involve voluntarily giving up one's self-interest to serve and care for another's. Wives are to hupotassomai their husbands; husbands are to agapao their wives.

I've observed couples through the years going through three levels while they sort out the love and submission issue.

1. Command - The couple knows it's commanded in Scripture, and by golly, they're gonna do it. This level does nothing but produce frustration and legalism.
2. Cooperation - The couple begins to experience a certain amount of freedom as they walk out Scripture and see that it works.
3. Celebration - Total freedom and trust in the biblical principle of love and submission and in God's control of the couple's marriage relationship and their testimony to the world.

The truth of Scripture does not bind us up. It sets us free. The enemy would take a principle that is meant to give us freedom and power and make it seem like legalism and frustration. Which is it for you and your spouse? Are you free or are you frustrated?

31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #13 - THE COLOR OF MONEY (FINANCES)

Someone has said that if you want to know where a man's heart lies, look at his check book. Or what about the old saying that you don't mess with a person's money or his kids. Or "For the love of money is the root of all sorts of evil ... " (I Tim 6:10)

The issue of finances in marriage is one of the main areas of conflict. We can have little, just enough to pay the bills or perhaps we are wealthy, but what determines our level of contentment depends on our attitude toward finances. Do we take a worldly view, or God's view?

It's attitude that I'm going to address in this blog -- I'm not skilled in the area of preparing budgets and financial plans. I highly recommend Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University for that. My husband and I have never had a lot of money. We've served in ministry nearly all of our marriage, and when we did on occasion make some money on investments or inheritance, God led us to give it away in one aspect or another. But God has always been faithful, and we've had enough.

I believe that has been because we have acknowledged God in these areas:

(1) God owns it all and is an abundant, generous Father. "I have come that you might have life, and have it more abundantly." John 10:10. The Amplified says, "till it overflows."

(2) Giving is central to His plan. I could spend much time here giving testimony, but space does not permit. We have found that giving -- the tithe and the offering -- is the key that unlocks the doors to God's provision. "Give and it shall be given to you ... for whatever measure you deal out to others it will be dealt to you in return."Luke 6:38.  Even when we didn't think we could afford to give, we followed His leadership and He would prove to be faithful. Every time!

(3) Stay out of debt. " ... the borrower becomes the lender's slave." Proverbs 22:7

(4) Share the financial authority in your marriage. Here's what I mean -- the husband bears the final responsibility in the authority of the home, but he is not to control his wife and family by controlling the finances. Delegate responsibilities according to giftings. If the wife is better at accounting and keeping the books, delegate that to her. If the husband is better, he should do it. Decide who is to take care of what bills and then submit all finances under the authority of the husband. Work together. Be alert to what causes pressure on your mate and ease that for them. Many women do not like the stress of paying the bills. Take that stress off her, by taking care of it, but keep each other informed as to the status of each of your areas of responsibilities.

Be faithful in your finances, and God will honor that. "He who is faithful in a very little thing is faithful also in much." Luke 16:10

31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #12 - FANTASY LOVE

Now I know that some of the romantics reading this blog may disagree with me. And believe me, I know how much women love the idea of romance and being loved, protected and rescued by a knight in shining armor. I do write romance, you know :) But both partners must work hard at nurturing the relationship for the love to grow and develop into mature love or the bloom of that fantasy love soon turns into a wilted flower. Don and Sally Meredith cite the progression of a life without relationship in their Christian Family Life Seminar. Here's what that looks like:

Phase 1 - Fantasy Love - The couple meet and date in circumstances that are idyllic and unreal. Then the couple decides to marry.

Phase 2 -  Reality - The realities of life come crashing down - job, finances, weaknesses of each spouse, children, illness, trials, in-laws, etc. Feelings begin to fluctuate. The love that the couple initially experienced disappears or is neutralized, and the couple begin to struggle against each other.

Phase 3 - Compromise - This is the point where the couple either divorce or a compromise relationship characterizes the marriage. They resign themselves to a mediocre relationship. Marriage is not a hope, but a problem. The couple avoid anything negative or unpleasant. A sense of believing that one's mate is a hindrance to personal destiny instead of a support and encouragement. Here is the tragic reality - most seemingly "good marriages" are in reality two successful people doing their own thing.

Phase 4: The Day Of Bitterness - A woman becomes fearful as she ages, and a man hardens as he ages. Instead of the golden years, they become the death years. The two generalize their bitterness toward their children, employer, job or life in general.

It's a tragic cycle, but, as pastors, we found it to be all too common. Ask the Lord to energize your marriage and work hard to avoid this destructive pattern. After being married for nearly 50 years now, I can testify that it's worth it ... and my husband and I are more in love today than we were the day we married basking in the glow of fantasy love.

31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #11 - THE MYTH OF THE 50/50 RELATIONSHIP

Most couples do not understand the biblical plan for marriage. They employ society's plan which operates on a 50/50 performance relationship. In a 50/50 relationship:

• Acceptance is based on performance. "You do your part, and I'll do mine."
• Giving is based upon merit.
• Affection is given when deserved.
• Feelings are the motivation for action.

The problem with this philosophy is that it is impossible to believe that one's spouse has met you half-way. We all marry with certain unrealistic expectations which our mate will never be able to live up to. Then those weaknesses become the focus of the relationship and hurt will be inflicted upon one another. Hurt paralyzes feelings and results in lower performance ... and the cycle begins all over again.

The biblical pattern is almost opposite of the pattern of the world. Each partner is to give 100 per cent, not based upon performance, but upon simply the fact that he/she is your mate. We give to our spouse not based upon merit, but because we understand that when we give, we receive. Affection is offered, even lavished, because our God loves extravagantly, and we are to love each other extravagantly. Feelings are not the motivation for action, but our commitment to each other and our covenant before God. That creates an atmosphere in which both partners feel safe and secure and are able to function at their highest level to achieve their purpose in life.

Try giving over and above what your mate expects of you this week. Commit it to the Lord and see what happens.