31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #10 - UNCONTROLLED ANGER

Anger is a toxic, destructive emotion. When I was growing up, anger in our home was always just below the surface waiting to bubble up and explode, like a volcano rumbling in the distance. We never knew when it would erupt or what would cause the physical outburst. I can remember having severe stomach cramps as a young child because of the tenuous situation at home, and how, as a teenager, I would stay away from home as much as I could. Our home was not a pleasant, productive, emotionally healthy or safe place to be.

In the October 27, 1997, issue of Archives of Internal Medicine, the question was raised, “What specific personality characteristic causes physical illness?”  The answer—anger. Furthermore, it is generally agreed in the medical field that holding in anger causes stress and physical illness. 
Anger held in, anger handled improperly, develops into a root of bitterness, which we've already addressed. Anger is an emotion we all experience and is not in and of itself wrong. How we respond to it is the key.

We become angry when our expectations are not met. When we become angry about something, whether it is because dinner is late or because one of the spouses feels betrayed, it needs to be addressed and dealt with. And the goal is to reach understanding. A few ground rules might help.

• "Help me to understand," spoken softly and with a desire to reconcile accomplishes volumes. We should never attack our mate -- emotionally or physically -- no matter how angry we are.
• Treat each other with honor and respect.
• Take the time you need to discuss the issue. Never bury the problem thinking it will go away. It won't. It will simply fester into bitterness. That's why the scripture says, “In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry” (Eph. 4:26). Don’t let it build up. We are not equipped to handle it. Harboring anger takes a toll on us psychologically and physically.
• Offer and accept forgiveness.

Healthy marriages know how to work through hard issues, even when we are angry.

31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #9 - FAILURE TO LAUNCH (LEAVING AND CLEAVING)

Managing to launch one's life and establish a home and family is difficult these days in our economy. Many parents find their children returning home after college, even with a spouse and children. To depend on one's parents for a short time  is not necessarily a bad thing, but to let it develop into a lifestyle is detrimental not only to one's marriage, but to the family unit as a whole. The lines of authority and responsibility become blurry. Privacy issues crop up. Discipline of children becomes difficult. The development of the husband and wife relationship is stilted by the very strong emotional ties that are normally present between parents and children, no matter the age.

In Matthew 19, Jesus addresses divorce and the issue of leaving and cleaving. The two are closely related. To leave means to break away from a dependent relationship in order to form a new relationship. When a husband and wife come together to become one flesh, the old relationship of being under the authority of the parents is left behind. The Hebrew word for leave actually means to abandon, to leave behind, to forsake. The parents move from being in authority over the child to a position of counsel.

“Cleave” means to “stick like glue” to another. It can only be accomplished after leaving. I heard someone say that most marriage problems are either a matter of leaving improperly or cleaving improperly. When I first heard the remark, I was not sure that generalization could be made across the board. However, in our experience, my husband and I find that it certainly is a major issue. I asked a friend who is a marriage and family therapist if he agreed with the allegation. He thought for a moment and then answered in the affirmative. He agreed that many marital problems sprout from this root topic of leaving and cleaving improperly.

Leaving and cleaving is God's pattern for the husband/wife relationship. Although sometimes difficult, God's way is always best.

31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #8 - LACK OF UNDERSTANDING OF COMMITMENT & COVENANT

As my husband and I counsel with couples, we inevitably end up talking about commitment. It all boils down to a relationship in which we have agreed to commit our whole being. All the other side issues, although some may be deeply painful and serious, really are just that—side issues. Whether it is love lost, or a wife who doesn't like the lifestyle her husband provides, or a husband who doesn’t understand his wife, or even, in some cases, unfaithfulness, it still boils down to commitment. Is the couple going to honor the commitment, made before God, to stay together until death parts them, despite how arduous it may be to work through the difficulties?

·         In Malachi 2:14, we find God’s view on marriage. In the context of this passage, God is reproving his people for profaning their marriage vows. He calls marriage a "covenant."

·         In Proverbs 2:17, God calls marriage a "covenant."

·         Ezekiel 16:8 says, “…when I saw you and saw that you were old enough for love, I spread the corner of my garment over you” … “spreading the corner of my garment” was a symbolic term for the marriage relationship. Then the Lord says, “I gave you my solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you …”   

Marriage, in God’s eyes, is a covenant alliance, but in western culture, we have little understanding of what that means. Coming to the marriage altar is not making a vow, even though we talk of “taking the marriage vows.” Marriage is a covenant, and there is a difference.

A vow may involve only one party. For instance, I can vow to lose ten pounds in time for my high school reunion. I can break that vow to myself. Or a vow may involve two or more and can be broken. But a covenant always involves two or more and is permanently binding. An oath is taken and the covenant is made, never to be broken. Our culture is a contract culture. Contracts are broken on every hand, with little thought to the integrity of one’s name on the dotted line.

The Hebrew word for covenant is berit. It literally meant “a cutting” and came to mean a contract, a will, a league, a testament, or a bond. In ancient cultures, a cutting of the skin actually took place and blood was exchanged to signify the seriousness of the bond (Gen. 15). Sometimes gifts were exchanged (Gen. 21:30) and/or a pile of stones set up (Gen. 31:53). When a couple stands before a minister and promises to live together in covenant until death parts them, that is a solemn occasion. Covenant is not to be taken lightly.

God created us for covenant relationships. Covenant is the avenue by which he has related to his people through the ages—Adam, Noah, Abraham, Moses--and the New Covenant, which Jesus cut for us with his blood. Covenant provides the safe environment we need in order to grow and reach our full potential—free from all fear of rejection and betrayal. God designed us for permanent relationships. That’s why we are shattered over broken relationships, whether by death or divorce, or simply a misunderstanding between two parties in a relationship.

In the Jewish culture, even the betrothal or engagement period is secured in covenant. If we try to build a marriage-type relationship outside of covenant, we are very insecure. We build walls of emotional defense around ourselves. Intimacy is difficult, if not impossible. 

Satan hates covenant. He will fight to destroy covenant relationships more than almost anything else. He wants to see Christian marriages topple. He hates intimate community among believers. He loves to stir up discord among believers. That is because he knows the power of the testimony of covenant relationships to the glory of God.

It is God's desire that we enter marriage understanding that it is a holy covenant, not to be broken. It is for our good, and the good of the Kingdom.

31 WAYS TO MESS UP YOUR MARRIAGE - #7 - FAILURE TO RECOGNIZE NEEDS OF MATE

Several years ago Mel Gibson starred in a movie entitled "What Women Want." In this whimsical comedy, by way of a quirky accident, Gibson suddenly is able to read the thoughts of women and therefore, detect what they really want. The movie was funny -- at times -- but made a point I believe strikes home. The male/female differences are so huge that it takes much focus and commitment to come to an understanding.

Our church sponsors Dr. Emerson Eggerich's compelling Love and Respect series twice a year for couples. It's one of the most practical courses in marriage we've ever been through. His entire premise addresses these two issues. Women need/want love; men need/want respect. And if they do not receive it from their spouse, as Dr. Eggerich puts it, "It's like one's air hose is being stepped on."

It's right there in Ephesians 5:33: "Let each man of you (without exception) love his wife as being in a sense his very own self; and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband." The conundrum, of course, is how to do that. In a very real sense each partner is trying to understand the other who is speaking a foreign language. We need to learn to interpret what our spouse needs.

When a woman feels unloved, she shuts down. When a man feels disrespected, he becomes angry. And the walls begin to rise between the two mates. These walls can grow for years until "suddenly" one mate (usually the woman) declares, "I'm not happy," and she takes off for the divorce lawyer, leaving a stunned husband behind. In the United States, over two-third of divorces are officially initiated by women. (Brian Wilcox, Christianity Today, 11/13/2006).

"Love and Respect" -- those are the genuine needs of our spouses. Ask your husband this week ... Do you feel respected by me? or Ask your wife ... Do you feel genuinely loved? Listen intently to the answer. It may save your marriage.